thoughts on a plane

i wrote this in my notes app on a flight, half awake after a night with no sleep. i'm cleaning it up a little, but it's mostly what i typed.

#so what's the goal

i kept asking myself what the goal even is. school, work, all of it. and the answer i landed on was embarrassingly simple. i want to be happy.

then right away i wrote "to be emotionally happy, what do i need to do?" which is very me. i turn everything into a to-do list. but happiness doesn't really work like a project. if anything, the part of me that keeps grading myself is part of why i'm not happy.

so maybe the better question is how to grade myself less.

#being myself

for a long time i was stuck on being gay. was i really, was it a phase, what would people think. i came out last year, and i'm done doubting it. i'm gay. that part is settled, and i can move on.

looking back, a lot of that time was a bit performative. when you're not sure about yourself you overdo it to prove it, to yourself as much as anyone. being gay became the whole personality because i was still checking it was true. now that the question is quiet, a different one showed up: okay, so what do i actually like?

i've always felt like i don't have taste. my friends have a music they love, a style, a scene. i just have "everything's fine." i also caught myself thinking "i should live however the hell i want," and it felt like overreacting. living against something still lets that thing decide for you.

i think taste is smaller than that. this song is good. this shirt isn't me. this café feels nice. you pick small things over and over and one day it adds up to someone. i just never wrote mine down.

#the crush

there's a guy i've been stuck on for a while. a friend.

when i wrote down why, the list looked like this:

• they know what they like. they seem settled in who they are.
• they're good at the things i struggle with. next to them i keep feeling a step behind.
• people like them. i don't really have a best friend. they seem to have plenty. (i put a question mark there. i think i knew it was a guess.)

and then i wrote "this is why i look bad next to them."

it took me a while to see it. those three things are exactly the three things i feel i'm missing. so part of the pull is them, and a big part is what they stand for. admiration, attraction and envy all rolled into one lump.

i tried picturing actually dating them. it didn't feel calm. it felt anxious, with this huge rush on top. and that rush says a lot. it's less "i want to be with this person" and more "if someone like that picked me, then i'd be okay." that's not a great foundation for anything, and it's the kind of feeling that only ever lasts a moment. after the rush comes the fear of losing it.

it never really went anywhere either. we were close, it got a bit blurry for a while, and then neither of us brought it up again. blurry is the worst part. my brain kept trying to decode every message.

so here's what i decided. i'm going to let it fade. keep the good feelings, leave the bad ones behind. stay friends, because the friendship is real and worth keeping. stop being so touchy even when i want to, because for me it was never just a friendly touch, it was a question. and not try to force myself to forget, because trying to forget is just thinking about it more.

i also told myself comparing helps me grow. that's only half true. comparison becomes growth when it turns into something i do, like "let me find one thing i care about as much as they care about theirs." on a low day it's just a ruler i use to cut myself down.

#love is kind of magic

the part i liked writing most was this.

to like someone, and for that person to like you back at the same time, is a pile of coincidences on top of coincidences. as a gay guy the odds feel even smaller. first they have to be into guys at all, then into you, then at the same moment. it's so unlikely. it feels like magic.

and it does happen. it happens in my life too. someone i really, really like starting to like me back is honestly one of the most magical things there is.

the thing i'm noticing now is that the magic doesn't have to look dramatic. there's someone else in my life where things are just easy. we miss each other, we look out for each other, i don't feel small next to them. i almost didn't count it, because it didn't come with the rush. but that's still a lot of coincidences lining up. maybe i should count the magic that's already here, not only the kind that hasn't happened yet.

#getting better

the last part of the note was about my health. i wrote "get cured of depression," then corrected myself: bipolar, actually.

the plan i wrote was short:

• tell the doctor everything, as detailed and factual as i can.
• take my meds properly.
• don't think sad thoughts.

the first two i stand by. the third one i'd change. trying not to think sad thoughts doesn't work. what works better is noticing them. on a low day a lot of what my head says is the mood talking, not the truth. the comparisons get louder, i look smaller. if i can catch that and say "oh, this is the mood again," it loses some of its grip. and writing it down gives the doctor something real to work with.

so that's the list. be happy. grade myself less. find my taste in small things. let the crush go gently. count the magic that's already here. take the meds.

i'll check back on this in a few months.