somewhere in between

there's a thought i keep coming back to lately. i've lived so halfway through everything that i ended up being neither this nor that.

i studied, learned languages, built a bunch of things. but when i look at each one on its own, there's nothing i can point at and say "this one is really mine." i tried a little of everything and never went all the way with anything.

it gets worse when i look at my friends. they all have taste. a favourite kind of music, a perfume they always wear, movies they love, food they swear by. it's almost how they introduce themselves. when someone asks me, i don't really know. everything is just fine. it's all blurry.

i used to think that's just how i am. lately i've been trying to work out why.

#three states

most of my days fall into one of three states.

one is where everything is too much. small things stress me out and i want to give up on all of it.

one is numb. i don't feel much. sad things hurt less, but good things feel less too. the day just slides by.

the last one is flying. my thoughts jump around, i start ten things at once, and i barely seem to need sleep. it feels good while it lasts, but afterwards all that's left is a pile of things i started.

the problem is there's almost no time in between where i'm just me. my mood keeps dragging me around, so i can't build anything. right when something starts to stack up, the next state arrives and knocks it over.

taste works the same way. it isn't something you're born with, it builds up. you try things, you notice what you liked, you keep paying attention, and it forms. i didn't have room for that. i spent years fighting depression, and the part of me that feels "i like this" or "i don't" was mostly switched off.

#it was always like this

but not all of it is mood. i can't focus. i start studying, drift into something else, then drift again. i open five things and finish none. my room is always a mess.

when i told a doctor before, the answer was "depression gets in the way of focus." that's not wrong. but it felt like there was more. even when the medication lifted my mood a bit, this part didn't change.

so i thought about it the other way around. what was i like before the depression? in primary school i'd wander off in the middle of homework, lose my stuff all the time, and find it hard to sit still. it didn't matter what mood i was in. it was just always like that.

it made me wonder if it might be adhd. apparently it shows up alongside depression and mood stuff quite often. but while my mood is still swinging, starting treatment for that isn't simple.

nothing is diagnosed yet. i just don't want to let it pass as "it's the depression" this time. if this turns out to be right, a lot of the things i've blamed on being lazy or weak might finally make sense.

#the order

i'm on medication, and honestly i hate it lately. i think part of the numbness comes from it. i think about quitting a lot. but the last time i stopped suddenly, i crashed hard, body and mind. so this time i don't want to do it alone. whether it's lowering it or switching, i think it has to be slow and with a doctor.

just knowing the order helps a little. steady the mood first, then get assessed properly. finding my taste, friendships, school, those come after. the first thing is to steady the ground.

so i'm choosing to believe it's less "i became nobody" and more "i'm not filled in yet." instead of chasing new things, i'm going to write down the small ones that already pass by and feel kind of good. one song, one dish, whatever.

i hope that in a few months, that list turns out to be my taste.